Well off to go see Rachel and her son in about a half an hour.  Wish me luck.

Have been spending most of my time on distractions recently. Trying to keep my mind off what is soon to be a peneicle of the stress of the last year.  Any time now Rachel is going to have her son, and I may or may not be a father.  I was at Steven Cohens birthday party tonight.  The father of my long term friend Jake, and a local blues mainstay was a good time.  lots of music, and hanging out to be had.  Saw a a lot of people I have not seen i a while.  Reminded me of when i was more pro-actively social.  I cannot get into school this fall, which may just as well be fore best as my mind is not on it entirely at the moment any way.  I have to deal with a bunch of bureaucracy to get back in at this point.  I am still determined to go back this spring though any way. I guess I would like to know what is happening before i commit though.  I am  looking forward to pinkies show tomorrow at stonefly, then after this week end the reality will settle in again.  For now though I am not as uptight for once and it is good let down my hair for a min.

I talked to my manager with some candor today, if not as much as i would have liked, and decided to wait a bit before making any rash decision about quiting my job.  I am only working part time as it is.  If cannot discipline my self to shoulder the annoyance of some boorish behavior by some mid-level managers for life, I am in need of more humility.  Not to be dis empowered by sure pettiness of course either.  The option to leave will always remain, no need to cross that bridge so impetuously as I may have in the past.  I am not a kid any more, and I have born the weight of much less acceptable levels of incompetence before.  I have a lot on going on in the next month with adding another distraction unnecessarily.

I am going to the school again tomorrow to continue jumping through hoops to get back in class this fall.  Hopefully the counselor i need to see will be there.  I admit  am not looking forward to wading though the bureaucracy.  It is more appealing the prospects of not growing and stepping out of this mire of meritocracy I seem to have let me self be trapped in for to long.  I do not presume to achieve any real note academically.  I do need to step over the lines society has drawn in the sand.  I know they are really meaningless but with out making the gesture I will be handicapping my ability to contribute some of merit to the continuity of human history no matter how minor.

I also had a very potent reminder of my own physical limitations after i pulled my shoulder last sunday.  The humbling since of my limitation coupled with the unavoidable grasp of entropy prods me to pursue with more vigor a means of maintaining my needs more effectively.  I have never had much concern for working more then to sustain my self.  Often though a blend of social and physical labor.  Precluding those opportunities I have often lived on less.  I do not take charity well, my own childhood was riddled with petty quid par quo games of never giving me things with out holding it against me last to pressure me to her inclinations.  She seemed to think it was a valid means of handling the duties of motherhood.  In retrospect I can understand the scrambling to use whatever leverage she could to get things done.  The world is harsh place, the idea that nothing is free, and everything has a cost of potent concepts.   She would not say that is what she was trying to do, but actions, especially to children have far more weight then the words that accompany them.  The lessons of needing to barder your way though life is not with out merit.  Coming from ones mother with consistent frequency, it acts to tempter the spirit of altruism however.  I learned the importance of the dependency that comes with gifts and boons.  The implied debt to the giver of the gift.  I became weary early in my life to unsolicited indulgences. Knowing that  most likely the giver would  if  not then, at some future time require some  compensation, ofter far exceeding the value of the gift received.  While there is neither nothing wrong with "returning" the favor, mush as you learn to identify and steer clear of salesmen resiting there pitch, I became of charity.  A gift given as a token of admiration, respect, or love is praise worthy.   Much like that sleazy guy offering to buy you a drink at the end of the bar, you can sense the attempts and coheresion.  The intent to control you.  If you are welcome to the trade, no harm done, but there sit lingers that danger when let others impact there control on you.

My family are a stuborn people, and I resented the controlling nature of most charity.  Thus i grow to avoid it, preferring ofter hardships to the veil of implied debt.  I grow to accept aid and help from friends i had learned to trust over the years as i have grown up, but I have always maintained an aversion to the indebted nature of not providing for yourself. 

This bringing me to my point, that i do not find it acceptable to depend on others if i have it in my power to provide for myself.  Tactically I cannot sustain my life plan i have pursued some what actively mostly passively continuously.  I need to focus on providing form myself more from my social, intellectual, and experiences rather then those with a stronger physical requirement.  Inheritable these pursuits typically come with my lucrative rewards.  Not merely in coin, but in the social acolytes i find myself developing more taste for as I age.  I am desiring the empowerment that comes from challenging ones self in an arena that matters.

Am on the verge of quiting my job, the work is the same if slow, but the management is being ridiculous.  After I hurt my shoulder last Sunday i had to call in on Monday, because it hurt to much to move, let alone work  I got in "trouble"for not talking to a manager before my shift, i did my best to reach calling 2 times.  Now they have me off the schedule, i am thinking of putting in my two weeks when i go in tomorrow to work my shift i am no longer scheduled for.  Only reason i did not quit on the spot today was to not fuck over my co-workers.  So will talk to the general manager tomorrow and if they give me any hassle will just tell them i am quiting.  Was just gliding by part time while I waited to see what happens with Rachel's son, and specifically if it is also my son..i do not like the idea of being between jobs and having a kid, but fuck it i have money saved, i can get another one fast.  I need to focus on school any way and not wasting my time in a restaurant. I feel like my whole life is paused waiting...

I want the best for Rachel one way of the other but not knowing, and her very lack luster approach towards involving me leaves me unhappy.  Less then a month, perhaps even this week depending on how the pattern weave things will come to a head. I can only assume she talks more definably to Chris, but maybe not know Rachel... Soon at least i can know what my future holds.

I have been making active attempts to be more social as of late, or at least walk at night, instead of lucking alone in my apartment.  Mostly has been reading alone at coffee shops but have had a few interesting run ins.  Tonight on my walk ran into Liam, a kid i am vaguely working on some street theater with.  We talked for a while, then ran into Kristi with a few two other people walking to the pub, by my house.  Was good to see her, we talked for a while, she yelled at me for the whole rachel situation again    Then went to foundation with every one to talk some more.  Liam offered her a ride home, so we stopped by my house with kristi, liam, and cassy to see me neo cat, then drove kristi home.  Was nice to see her for once, and gave me a chance to show her my neo house.  Reminds me if i feel inclined to be social i still know many people...  and despite feeling all alone i have people i know out there if i reached out for them. 

meh maybe i will just go train hoping this weekend with liam and come back in a week of two in time to face up towards responsibly I am so sick of waiting and pausing me life, and having no control over it

I was out in west bend yesterday helping my Jerry and my brother jamie clean out my moms garage of ten years of junk.  Jamie and I started to help rather quickly after getting out of the car ride up there.  I was feeling a bi stiff from the ride and sleeping on my should a bit weird, but thought nothing of it.  Like 5 mins into the heavy lifting I was putting a couch out and a odd angle to hoist it into the dumpster Jerry had rented.  When I pulled a large piece of my muscles in my left shoulder.  It felt like someone had stabbed me in the back.  I tried to keep moving some of the bigger items any way because I am foolish, take only made it worse. I was going to stay out there for the night to hang out with my younger sibling that I do not see much any more, but I keep feeling progressively worse. I took some pain killers, and hung out for dinner, but then had to have Jamie drive me home.  I sleep for like 10 hours, and it sorta feels better now..but I cannot lift my arm over my shoulder, or even turn my neck to the left at all.

I guess i am going to have to call into work and home that it is better by tomorrow, sigh.  This is what I get fro not stretching and being to self assured of my out vitality.  Now i endure another lesson in humility and my own limitations.

Any way typing with one hand is taking long, so I am going to get something to eat, and hopefully find a book or something that I can do while I lay down

Hopefully it will pass soon and I will be capable of well doing anything with out stabbing pain again soon.